♥ d r e a m e r b l u e z ` :)

Friday, August 15, 2008Y

so true

I'm an addict for dramatics
I confuse the two for love

6:41 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 6:41 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

Thursday, August 14, 2008Y

stubborn

Every time i keep telling myself to let go,
To stop all these nonsense,
To not get hurt again,
To be strong,
I really try.
I tried,
Still trying.

But every time I say "Ok, this has gone too far. I'm gonna stop." ,
My heart goes, "Aww, wad's one more day?"
But as many more "one more day" passes by,
I fall harder for u.

10:30 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 10:30 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

Tuesday, August 12, 2008Y

How do u say i love u and not mean it?
How do u say i miss u not mean it?
How can u fool a man's heart for such a long time?
How much longer can i keep this up?

I hate lying.
I hate the guilt.
I want to be free but i need him for companionship
No one can accompany me like he does.

On a completely diff note, my heart still beats when i see him. The other him..
It still hurts when i think about the situation we're in.
Why can't i forget him?

Every time i try to leave, sth keeps pulling me back, telling me i need him in my life

Argh I need a bucket to puke all my butterflies out.

2:44 AM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 2:44 AM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

Sunday, August 10, 2008Y

Ur only happie when ur sad and it's killing me

You push me away for the first time, oh
I can see, this will be just another landslide,
You push me away for the last time
And I'm over it, but in the meantime
You push me away for the last time

7:05 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 7:05 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

last night or early this morning

C18 in bangsar at 1
Maison at 1.30

Shitty nights but great music. The irony

5:26 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 5:26 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

Saturday, August 9, 2008Y

dying

I never knew attempting to tidy my room and make it look more spacious would lead me to a long painful miserable death haha
I've practically sneezed away so much liquid than u will ever sneeze in a month. Half of my new my tissue box has finished and im still not done.
A study table took me 2 hours. The racks and wires and petty things took me another 2. shit man. And im not done yet. Argh

12:15 AM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 12:15 AM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

Friday, August 8, 2008Y

rebel

Once a rebel, always a rebel i guess. In life, in relationships, in everything.

Since young i've been rebelling. I don't know why tho. I got all the attention i wanted when i was young. So why rebel? hmm.

I get all the good guys but i don't want them. I want all the shitty ones. Which would do me more damage than good i suppose. But i love them. I'm attracted to it. I love chaos.

I like being depressed. Why?

I know my friends and family want the best for me. They want me to heal. To be happy. But i'm doing the total opposite of what im supposed to do. Supposed to feel.

I'm doing it all wrong. Right from the start. And i'm not stopping. And i know im gonna crash. A head banging crash shuttering everything.

I hate rebelling. But i'm doing it. And THAT proves that im a rebel so much more. WTF Jess. Why am i not listening!!??

10:14 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 10:14 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

Goldfrapp-a&e

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey
And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining
Think I want you still
But there may be pills at work

Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the floor?
I was trying to phone you as I'm crawling out the door
I'm amazed at you, the things you say and that you don't do
Why don't you ring?

I was feeling lonely, feeling blue
Feeling like I needed you
Like I'm walking up surrounded by me
A&E

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey
And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining
They gotta watch you still
But there may be pills at work

How did I get to accident and emergency?
All I wanted was you to take me out high
And I was feeling lonely, feeling blue
Feeling like I needed you
Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me
A&E

5:54 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 5:54 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

i like goldfrapp...

damn dat was random

1:37 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 1:37 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

just for bahs

jess is annoyed with her new useless hard to type keyboard but is excited bout it non the less

going alamanda again soon. boring sial.. skipped two days of classes d.

but its aall gggoooddd hahahah
the pain is easing. back to my fairy tales day dreaming.

fail..

1:26 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 1:26 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

Thursday, August 7, 2008Y

torn

3:58 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 3:58 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

I dun need a good fixing. There's nth wrong with me. It's u.

You know how some of us usually question ourselves :What's wrong with me. Why doesnt he or she like me. O why has he fallen out of love? Was it my fault? What did i do?

I figured we shud just stop asking such demeaning and nonconstructive questions to ourselves. Why cant we think in a way that it's his or her fault. It's their loss. There's nth wrong with us. It's you. You're the one losing out on the best thing that's ever gonna happen to u.

But then..there always comes to a point so low where we keep thinkin over and over again; Shud i change to make him/her fall mad over heels in love with me? What should i do?

But i don't want to be those type that change themselves just so that he or she would accept him or her. I want him to accept me for who I am. I'm tired of pretending. I had enuff of it.

Am i not good enuff for him? No i dun think so. I could give the world to him. It's just him.
He's an idiot. I'm in love with idiots. Just great.

But I'm not the type to let go or give up so easily. Not even if I want to. Maybe I'll just wait till he gets a reality check and his senses come flying back into him. Or maybe i should just go?

3:20 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 3:20 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

woots

ah lalalalala life is wonderful woo hoo class cancelled. life is good.

2:38 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 2:38 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

raindrops keep falling on my head

Raining. Don't you just love rain when ur indoor and cozy and all snuggled up in a blankie and preferably someone to hug?
haha yeahs but i like walkin in the rain too. but i hate rain when i have to go somewhere important and i dun want to get all wet.
But right now im loving rain cause because of it, i cant go to coll. nyek nyek nyek XD

I slept at 7 and i thought ok la dun go for morning class. Malas d. And there shudnt be class in the afternoon too since we had a short briefing bout it on tuesday. And classes dun start till next week. i thought.. which was obviously wrong. Ayryn woke me up and asked me if i was going to class.

So now im waiting for sunlight to respond to me and it's nearly 20 mins. Classes started 10 minutes ago. Hmm shud i cancel the cab

2:01 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 2:01 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

tired.

Tired of life
Tired of pretending
Tired of trying
Tired of caring
Tired of smiling
Tired of crying
Tired of living
Tired of everything

12:47 AM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 12:47 AM
2 people in the crowd heard my words

Wednesday, August 6, 2008Y

Today was a boring dae s usual. But but but my tooth isint giving me much trouble now yay

should be thankful for that.

Argh i still cant forget them. lols. Shud i just block them completely out from my life and carry on? Or continue this crazee useless going no where and a 0.01% chance of succeeding shinidigans.

When i thought gee maybe it would work out, they will always give a me this hugeass reality check smack into my face without fail saying we will not work out. Dat son of a bitch.

Why am i holding on. To the two guys whom i like and they like me too but we have zero percent chance to be with. Lmao. One of them has really good qualifications and there's a reallie good chance of being really successful in the future. While the other one is just really really nice to the girl he loves and yeahs it's really sweet. And he's not boring.

But both of them has their own downfall. One is really hard to understand. As in he's too ignorant n at times or arrogant; like he doesnt show that he cares or give a damn but he does ; just in his own style. He's not good at manja-ing Damn. But then again, he's also really smart and has this hugeass oh so bright future u need to wear shades tinted 100%. But he is getting forced to get married with his "gf" end of this yr when they both dun even want to! They don't even love love love each other anymore. Wtf. He was supposed to break up with his gf like 2 days before he found out he was to be forced to get married with her and get it going on with me!And he has a lot of health probs and his family is really traditional and he has this fetish of saving people's lives.

While the other one is just average and is always emo, but reallie sweet and caring i guess. But he's too caught up i his own world. Promising himself that he would love the girl and wait for her until the end of time even tho he knows that there is nada chances in getting on with her. Not being capable of loving another human. That's sad. N he cuddled with me! And kissed me! In my room! Wtf was that about then. And he doesnt know if he was just lonely or if he really does like me. But then again I was tipsy so damn me.

Both oh so wrong and problematic but then again, i like the thrill of excitement of fixing one person's life. Polish him up, wear him, walk all over him. A new pair of boots.

Lols ok so maybe not so drastic. Maybe just fix him. Lols.

But I'm afraid this will be just another merry go round. The thrill of going after someone who isint responding to the way you want them to. Maybe i crave for them cause they're not giving in to me. And when they finally give in. I leave cause im bored and there's no challenge anymore.

Omg wtf Jess. Ur having a dilemma over two guys and you have a bf! That's not supposed to be right.

But then again, one will never be enuff.

3:46 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 3:46 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

random thoughts

1:49 AM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 1:49 AM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

old habits

old habits r reallie hard to kick i guess.
love.. it's like gnawing on ur hand but enjoying it at the same time. you know it hurts but u like the pain cause it gives u a reality check once awhile.

Anyhhoooo i just realised my classes r all startin at 9 except for one starting at 11 i think. macamlah i can wake up.
i need classes startin at 2. not freaking 9! fucktards lecturers.

talked to justin again. after 4-5 friggin months. and it still hurts. mebbe i've never felt the big L word before.
Or maybe i have. What is l o v e anyway? What is supposed to happen. how will i know? true love? real love? hard love? puppy love?
I dun think i've felt true love before tho?

I mean i hear all those ppl sacrificing things for love.
Very extreme actions and words. I've gone thru dat but i know deep down its not reallie cause of love. It's kinda cause he has most of the qualities i look for in a lifelong partner. He has all the requirements needed.

And the rest.. i just get tired of em after a couple of months. I'm such a bitch. haha go figure ryte.
Prob rot in hell after this. But then again hell might be afraid ill take over.

Everyone's having relationship probs. Yay XD hahahah join me!

Oh yeahs my tooth hurts like mad. I wanna pull it out. But i dun want one big hole in my uhm one row of teeth?

Why am i blogging bout these shits? Jess is so dull and she doesnt have a life.
Fuck me. fuck u. fuck life.

Yes. no one dies a virgin. Cause life fucks u up!

1:06 AM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 1:06 AM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

Monday, August 4, 2008Y

like wad im feeling

right to the core

7:33 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 7:33 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

random

oo ee oo ah ah.. chang chang walla walla bang bang

7:15 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 7:15 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words

torn

My head says be reasonable. look ere. not there.
But the heart isin't here. It's there.

I guess this is really what u get when u let your heart win huh?
n when i fight it, it'll start a riot against me.

Makes sense

Using someone to get over another is oh so typical of me.
cliche.

This is gonna be a long week*

I've finally got my timetable and it's gonna be one hectic sem. Wonder if i can still pull off the last min studying and cramming or is the alcohol finally getting to me.

I've decided that i like to drink on 13/14 June. The highness is an escape from all worries.
Jess is becoming an alcoholic. lmao

People people. save Jess

6:17 PM

what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 6:17 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words